You know how people always say their prayers never get answered so they stop believing? Sometimes I wonder if I will take my religion for granted if I had been a cradle Catholic instead of a convert. Even then my path to “enlightenment” has been relatively easier than others. Sure, I had the normal disputes with my parents when it came to religion, I had a hard time convincing them why I had to go to church when I was younger, but still, there was no melodrama.

Which makes me wonder have I taken things for granted? I have been griping about unanswered prayers, wondering why my life is worse than some others who have no religion but still leading much better lives. I even backslided for a while as I simply felt it was no use going to church and going through the motions if nothing is going to happen.

But upon thinking back, I haven’t had it that bad. Even though I was not born in a Christian family, I had been blessed since young. I have great parents who will always be the first ones to help me out of a jam. Sure, we have had our disagreements especially to upbringing and disciplinary methods, our arguments, our fights, our quarrels, our problems in communication, but my parents have never let me down, despite the times I let them down.

I have a wonderful brother who is always there for me, even though I have never been a good sister, or an exemplary example of an older sibling. Definitely I am not the older sister which younger siblings look up to, yet he is still magnanimous enough to be nice to me.

I have great cousins who are also always willing to lend me a listening ear and help me out of problems, giving me their two cents’ worth and whipping me into shape when needed. Despite me taking things for granted, they will still always be there for me. Sometimes I feel I have not been good enough to them.

I have great friends who are also always ready to help me out when needed, some who have been there through the more pertinent moments of my life. At times I do wonder, have I been a good enough friend? Have I shown the same amount of care and concern to them as they have to me?

So even though I do not realize it, God has been there for me in His own way. He gave me wonderful people in my life so my life will not be that bad. He let me go through certain issues in life so I will emerge stronger. He let me learn from experiences so my life will be more enriched. And He has never lost faith in me, despite the many times when I have turned away, when I have lost faith, when I have hurled abuse at Him for my life being screwed up.

Yet His grace is bountiful. At times during my most desperate moments, when I thought all had abandoned me, when I thought nothing short of a miracle could help me, He showed me what it means to have faith. He showed me His light and His goodness, and lifted me up from my desolate state, letting me know it is not as destitute as I thought.

God has been good to me, even though He may not ask for anything back. People around me have also been good to me, despite the way I am. I should stop being ungrateful and taking things for granted and be more involved in His work, as well as showing more fidelity to the people around me. I will be a better person, and I strive to be one too!

To the boy who has become a man :

Soon you will finish up your last years as a child / teenager and embark on adulthood. There are many challenges you will face in your life, struggling with the first day of work, angst of love and relationships, complications of human relations, politics, financial, professional woes and whatnot.

But through it all, I believe you will be able to survive through, and emerge a stronger person. Adulthood brings lots of problems and challenges, but it is also fun and something to look forward to.

Happy 21st birthday, my boy! Here's to many more adult years ahead! :-)

I will be off to New Zealand tomorrow! Can't wait for it! It's a well-deserved break for me, and my entire family as well, to get together before we all go our own separate ways in life.

As usual, I will be bringing along my trusty digicam, and go snap snap snapping away! Hopefully this trip will be full of fun and excitement, especially since we will be going bungy jumping and checking out the filming locations of Lord of the Rings! I hope the weather won't be too cold though ....

At times I really wonder what I am doing with my life. My mum used to ask me why do I let her down in every aspect? When am I going to stop making a mess out of my life? Well, maybe I just happen to be those unlucky ones who are simply in the wrong place at the wrong time, instead of those lucky ones who can be at the right place at the right time.

But honestly, I do feel bad. I look at people my age, most have established themselves, most have gotten married or getting married, some married with kids. Some have enough to buy a place and move out on their own, some can invest and grow their investments, some are able to sponsor their parents on holidays.

I have not done any of the above. I wonder if I can even do any of the above? My mum's earning about three times what I am earning, so technically, she does not need me to sponsor her in any way, but still, I hope to be able to do more for my parents. Yet I am not earning enough to be able to give her more.

Worse, I have done so many wrong things in my life that got her so disappointed in me so many times. Like going out with the wrong types of people. Not having a good degree. Letting people take advantage of me. Not able to settle into a good job. Lost all my money due to bad investment decisions, and now it will probably take me another ten years to earn back everything.

I want my parents to be happy with me too! What is wrong with that? Is it really my fault that I can never meet up to expectations? I wish I can be like others who can make their parents happy and do so much for their parents as well. But right now, I am rather limited on what I can do, save to take care of them in the future. But as it is, my parents do not even believe I will be taking care of them!