Just had a reflection as I look at myself through the years. I am not sure if I have grown up as compared to in my teens and early twenties. Some will say I have, some no. Nevertheless, I always feel it is good to retain a childlike side, no matter how old you are.

I used to go around in life being carefree with nary a worry. Thus, the first job I had was something I was passionate about. Yet, politics, bureaucracy and whatnot killed off the passion altogether. I remember ever storming out of a meeting because someone took my idea and passed it off as her own. And I was accused of lying when I said that was my idea! Bloody scholar! She was already on the fast track to promotion, yet why must she do that to everyone else?

Since then, I lost my passion in a lot of things. What does a job mean to me nowadays? Is it just to self-sustain, or is it something more? A job used to mean something much more to me - it used to be my life, my hobby. But now it is like a routine, something I had to do because I need to, not because I want to.

I can understand why people become unhappy, because they are stuck in a dead end job with no prospects, and still need to do it because their livelihood depends on it. How many people I know really love their jobs? Most do it because they have to, not because they want to. Not everyone is lucky to be able to do what they love.

Luckily I found back my passion in life. Even if I am stuck in a dead end job, there are many other things I can do to make myself happy. Making my friends happy for one. Making my family happy. Reaching out to others through God's word and work. Organising events for friends. Travelling and adventure.

I only hope I can still retain my childlike side, of being quirky, of being weird, of being "misunderstood". But then again, no one has really seen me beyond the surface save for my family members, close friends and guys I have been with. And from feedback, I think they do not like what they see. But who cares! I am just being myself, so people can either take it or leave it!

I have been rather silent lately, preferring to be alone and not talk to anyone. In sooth, I know not why I am so sad, it really wearies me. What is it about my life that I am sad about?

Career wise, more or less the same. Perhaps a better opportunity will make me happier, but so far it remains the same.

Family wise, the same. Nothing unsatisfactory on that end.

Friends wise, I know many wonderful people, so nothing unsatisfactory on that end too.

So what is it that I am sad about? Only God knows. And I hope He gives me the proper guidance to know what to do and how to handle whatever that comes my way.

Finally. A time to say goodbye. So long, farewell, it's time to say adieu. Adieu, Adieu, to you and you and you. And that is the end of one more chapter.

I want to complain! Yes, very typical "Singaporean", but I am so pissed! I happened to be at East Shore on Saturday, and some people kept calling me! Now why is it when it is inconvenient for me to answer the phone, I keep getting calls, and when I am all free and dandy, no one calls me?!

So anyway when I finally answered the phone, all I got was a rude remark on how they have been trying to get me the whole morning! I told them I was in the hospital, and could not talk, and they said they needed to talk to me urgently, no matter where I am! (Or something like that.)

I was so riled! A life is at stake here! Is anyone going to be responsible if something happens? I wonder where all these telemarketers or customer service personnel get their training from? Or perhaps they did not even get any training at all! No wonder our local customer service standards can never be on par as others!

At times you really never know who are those true to you until you are all alone. Then it depends on whether people continue leaving you alone or stand by you. Sometimes the most unexpected people are those who stand by you through tough times, and the ones whom you view as your friends betray you in your hour of need.

The thing is if people are really not happy with me, why not let me know? Why do they have to cave in to gossip and assume the worst? And these are from people who know me, which is why it is doubly disappointing. Maybe as one gets older, there really is no more true friends anymore!

I have always known life is full of ups and downs. Just that I never know just how much more down there is as compared to the ups. Maybe I am going through a bad patch, or maybe I am just destined to be unlucky, but lately, things have been coming one after another. The most pressing issue is that even though I have tried my best to solve whatever I could solve, at the end of the day, it is not within my control what external factors can account to.

Come to think of it, my life has never been that lucky, unlike some people I know. Everything go smoothly for them, their childhood, their studies, their love life, their careers, their families. It is like they have everything and more. Whereas for me, I just hope for a teeny weeny bit of what they have, is that too much to ask?!

Does anyone ever notice that when things go wrong, everything will go wrong at the same time? You end up with work problems, social problems, money problems, family problems. It is like when things are up, everything is up, but when things are down, everything is down. People are there for you when things are up, but you are left all alone when things are down. At times like these, I just wish to have a good cry and be embraced in someone's arms, but I have no one to turn to except to cry in my pillow at night. Such is life ....